dear diary...

I was never really someone who kept a diary growing up. I think I had about five different books with an entry that launched into a diatribe about how I was going to start journaling, and then an entry later the pages turn empty.

I was never really someone who really told other people my secrets either. Not that I had a lot of secrets - but I moved around from group of friend to group of friend for a while growing up. I didn't live in a neighborhood where there were other kids around that I hung out with. So as my teachers changed, so did my friends.

Until middle school. And then six beautiful girls bonded in a strange and wonderful way. There were others who came in and out of our circle, but somehow it was always the six of us when it really came down to things. It is still the six of us.

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And then there was my husband... well, for a long time boyfriend, then fiance then husband. I think more than anyone else in the entire world, he has been the person who truly knows me inside and out, for better or for worse.

I hope that we all have these small enclaves of people to turn to - whether your spouse, or your best friend(s), or even a diary to pour yourself out to. For many people prayer also fills this role in their lives because they have a deep and vunerable and authentic prayer life.

But lately, with some things, that isn't always enough. I am yearning to shout from the rooftops this "thing" that I'm struggling with. I want the whole world to know and I want them to care and I want them to help me figure it out. I want to be able to actually and authentically talk with the people who are in the midst of this situation with me and I want them to actually and authentically talk back.

I'm working up the courage to actually blog about it.  To put my own thoughts out there for the world to see.  In small groups of friends, I have talked about it, but I think there is something cathartic about writing that I just have not done yet.  It is too personal, too frustrating, with too many unresolved threads.  But maybe I just need to do it and see what happens.

FF: Vulnerable

From Rev Gals: "I have recently been reading a book entitled Jesus wept, it is all about vulnerability in leadership. The authors speak of how Jesus shared his earthly frustrations and vulnerabilities with a select group of people. To some he was the charismatic leader and teacher, to others words of wisdom were opened and explained and some frustrations shared, to his "inner circle of friends: Peter, James and John, he was most fully himself, and in all of these things he was open to God.

So I bring you this weeks Friday 5:"

1. Is vulnerability something that comes easily to you, or are you a private person?

I find myself in situations where I am the person who listens, rather than talks. But there is also always this desire within me to share my story - our stories are really all that we have to share... but I hesitate to share, however much I want to because of a fear of being pitied. My grandfather passed away when I was in seminary, and because it happened to be over fall break and because of my schedule that semester, I was home for 6 days, and missed no classes. I got back and such a monumental hole was in my life, but no one at school knew what had happened. I didn't have to ask for class time off, so no professors knew. I had a really hard time sharing that with people because in a sense, it was easier to focus on school.

2.How important is it to keep up a professional persona in work/ ministry?

This is a hard question for me. Mostly because I believe a professional persona in ministry is overrated. And yet I do it anyways. I guess the professional persona I embody is a sense of neutrality, which comes naturally to me because I can see all sides of an issue/problem. If I were more vulnerable, my own positions and horror at the things people say would be much more evident. That may or may not be a good thing.

3. Masks, a form of self protection discuss...

Oh - absolutely self protection. But self-protection isn't always in our best interest. I think that omission is also a mask. I meet with a local group of clergy and I know that I am by far the most liberal among them and there are often sideways remarks that I usually disagree with, but I let them go, rather than become the target. I go to that group to have colleagues and to be around people who understand what it is to be a minister in our town... it is relaxing and not the place where I want to constantly have to defend myself.

4. Who knows you warts and all?

My husband - hands down. And maybe my very bestest friend. The more I think about these questions the more I think about how much I do keep my guard up, even with the people I love the most. The other person who knows many of my warts is my youngest brother.

5. Share a book, a prayer, a piece of music, a poem or a person that touches the deep place in your soul, and calls you to be who you are most authentically.

Manifesto:
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

"Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front" from The Country of Marriage, copyright ® 1973 by Wendell Berry,

genuine and mutual love

1so, after playing world of warcraft some today I heard for the first time about "two girls one cup." and I, being the oblivious sort of person I am had no freaking idea of what everyone was talking about. My husband was too grossed out and refused to tell me, so I googled it and got lucky enough to find the wikipedia article, rather than the video (which I refuse to watch)... I strongly urge you to stay away after hearing the description.

Suffice it to say, I saw something about John Mayer making a spoof video of it on HIS blog... and for some reason was intrigued so I went over there and was stunned to read this, his latest entry. He shares how tired of he is of pretending to be unaffected by what everyone else thinks. And while I think that we all try to wear that armor and really do try to be above everyone else's opinions, we simply cannot.

This may seem really dumb. But I cut my hair this week. A whole 12 inches of it! And it feels really good to get all of the compliments and "wow that looks nice" and all of that stuff. It gives me more confidence. Because whether we want to admit it or not, what we say and do to the people around us DOES affect them. We are all interrelated. We laugh together, we cry together, and if someone is in a crappy mood or is rude, it affects us. If they spout judgment or are dripping with sarcasm, we feel it.

This week in the lectionary, our reading is from 1 Peter 1... and i'm thinking particularly of verse 22:

Now that you have purified your souls by your obedience to the truth so that you
have genuine mutual love, love one another deeply from the heart.

If we have that kind of genuine and mutual love - if we are deeply honest and if we truly care, the we don't have to walk around with armor on all the time. We can be who we are, we can confront one another with a genuine honesty that comes from a sense of mutual accountability, rather than selfish desires and judgmentalism. I think we'd hurt each other a lot less if we actually lived this out.

I'm glad that somehow I got led to Mayer's post tonight. I'm really frustrated that I had to get there through "two girls one cup." I wish we were about more than that as a culture. as a community. as a people.