a strange beauty... #reverb10

A few days ago, I happened to catch an interview with Simone Dinnerstein on NPR.  She has come out with an album that is an interpretation of Bach masterpieces for piano called "A Strange Beauty." The pieces themselves are wondrous and in the interview she talked about how she almost invisions them as jazz compositions.  The voices shift, there are notes that speak to her that are not a part of the melody, the little discrepencies that truly make these pieces different.

In the album notes, she quotes the scientist Sir Francis Bacon: "There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion." The most beautiful things are not those that are symmetrical and perfect, but that draw our attention, make us slightly uncomfortable until we settle within it, creates a holy and beautiful disturbance in our souls.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

So what is that about me?  What makes me a strange beauty?  What are the qualities that stick out like a sore thumb, and yet are the reason people draw close?

It is a hard question to think about. I often want to leave these qualities for someone else to name, but this whole process is about self-reflection, about seeing ourselves the way others see us.  So here is a list of what I have come up with:
 

My eagerness - foolish, naive, excited, passionate, unafraid.  I'm willing to dive in, raise my hand, say yes before I have a chance to think about it.  Part of this is my youth, but I think my congregation loves it in me because I inspire them to take chances as well.

My shoes - I have always loved shoes.  I remember these platform mary janes I had in high school.  Now, it is the red flats, the pointy toed, high heeled boots, the slip on suede privos... they share my personality for the day and are a conversation piece.

My inquisitive side - I always have questions. I always want to know more.  Maybe this makes me strangely annoying rather than strangely beautiful.

My ability to see gray areas - I find myself straddling the line between positions.  I see the pros and cons, but more than that, the passion and emotions with which people make their arguments.  I am a peacemaker, a negotiator, and because of this, I almost never have "the answer."  It is not for a lack of confidence in my position, rather my love and passion for the process that has led others to their own.

My voice that developed very late - I was never a good singer growing up.  My mom told me once that I was off key as we sang aloud in the car on a trip.  I'm not sure I quite got over the sting of that until I was much older... I loved to sing out loud, whether I was good at it or not.  In high school I took voice lessons, sang at competition, and never did well.  My upper range had not developed and I was a very sad second alto because my very lower range wasn't the best either.  Sometime in college/seminary, I found my voice.  This past year, I have sung solos twice in church.  I have found a confidence and a passion in my voice I never knew I had.  And I think the confidence is what makes my voice beautiful. I'm not afraid for people to hear me sing anymore.

stitch and bitch #reverb10

I first learned how to knit sitting next to my college president's wife - Patty LaGree.  We were hanging out in the lounge of the chapel and she taught a small group of us how to cast on and knit and purl.  I was hooked (haha, no pun intended.)

I made a few things here and there, mostly really simple scarves.

But a year ago, I learned how to crochet at a young clergy retreat.  I haven't looked back.

There is something about holding that yarn and hook in your fingertips that is empowering.  You can make mistakes.  You can tear it all back out.  You can leave the imperfections in.  You can create beautiful, beautiful things with a few flicks of your wrist. 

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

So I got this bug to actually make something significant this year and have very nearly succeeded in crocheting three blankets - one for my neice and my two nephews. 

I began all the way back in June at annual conference and have since carried these balls of yarn and hooks with me everywhere I go.  They have been amazing ways to pass time at conferences and really do help me focus on what is going on. 

The youngest one's blanket... which I started first... is ALMOST finished.  It was still in pieces at Christmas time when the other two recieved theirs.  But I made significant progress on it today and it will hopefully be completed this evening... I'm really that close!!!

To see more pictures of each blanket look here

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen... #reverb10

As a pastor, funerals are a part of my life.  I help families and friends say good bye to loved ones all the time.  This year, I also acted in some ways as a family chaplain and buried two people in my husband's family. We really do have an important gap in the family Christmas now that his great-grandmother is gone.  She was a tiny, tiny woman with an opinion as big as Texas. She let you know what she was thinking, all the time. She was ninety-nine years old and hospice care was such a blessing for her - pampering her and comforting her in those last couple of weeks of her life. We let go of her peacefully and with little pain in our hearts.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In my pastoral life this year, however, it was not the deaths, but the goodbyes that impacted me the most.  One good-bye in particular...



Photo by: Margan Zajdowicz



This summer, a stalwart of our congregation moved south to be with family.  Wilda was always at the church.  Always.  She'd be tidying something up, folding bulletins, moving things around, making sure things were just right.  She has a great little laugh and everyone always says she must be on roller skates - she's able to get around to so many things in so little time.

While there are a few others who have that same kind of commitment to the congregation, losing any one of them leaves a gap in what we are able to accomplish.  They often say that 10% of the people do 90% of the work... well, I know that is true and when you are a church as small as we are - those 10% are vital!!!  

We get lovely calls from Wilda and her life is warm and good down south with her family.  But we do miss her colloquialisms, like " in a coon's age." And we miss her morning glory muffins and her peanut butter pie.  And the youth group misses her sliced apples (they really are just sliced apples... but I never seem to have the time to get the whole big bowl of them ready). 

This congregation has become a family to me, and anytime we say goodbye to someone, there is a small bit of pain and longing.  But it was our time to let go of her and let her retire and be among her family and watch her grandkids and great-grandkids grow up. 

walking on sunshine #reverb10

This prompt is HARD!!!  First of all, I took a lot of pictures this year, so that was problem number one  not a lot with me in them!  Second, there are so many different "mes" I have tried to be this year. But In answer to the prompt:

December 25 – Photo – Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)

It is not a flattering picture of myself... but it is me and my husband out on the water, enjoying the sun. I'm sure it is one that we took ourselves by holding out the camera.  The sunglasses are on, the tongues are out - a sure sign of a good time and silliness, the air is warm, and we are with family enjoying ourselves. 

What I see in this picture is life, energy, and fun. 

This is the source of the passion I can bring to my ministry.  It is what allows me to recharge my batteries.  Whether it is Hawaii with my mom's family or out on the river or the lake with my husband's family, disc golfing in the summer... just being outside, enjoying the creation, letting other people take care of you and taking care of others is important. 

What I want is for 2011 to have just as many of these kinds of moments, if not more.  Times to truly relax and to be myself.  Moments to let go and be silly.  Days when I am not on call and don't have to be anywhere... because they make those days when I do have to be there for others so much easier. 

My first choice would have to be:

twinkle, twinkle, little star #reverb10

Last night.... well, this morning... I drove home at 3:00am in the morning from a friend's party.  It was about four degrees outside and the sky was absolutley clear.  The air was crisp and clean and the stars were so bright and vivid that you felt you could reach out and literally pluck them from the sky. I almost had to pull over the car just to look and gaze upon the sight... but I knew if I stopped at that hour I would most certainly fall asleep!

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

It has not been difficult in 2010 to really grasp a sense of wonder at this world.  Everywhere I look around me I see these miraculous and beatiful signs of God's power and the beauty of creation.

The other evening we had seven deer in my back yard eating acorns.  I stopped at the bathroom window and watched them with amazement for fifteen minutes instead of brushing my teeth.

I was driving to my parents house and I saw a bald eagle soaring through the air and in between the trees.  Good thing it was a straight road or I would have driven off it!

My nephew's little tiny smiles and giggles knock me over flat.  My neice's expressions stop my heart. The things my older nephew comes up with make me want to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go.

The sunset one evening as I walked around the local park was so spectacular that I pulled out my phone and captured it to remmeber forever.

The waves crashing in one after the other on the west side of Oahu absolutely stunned me. The sky was a brilliant blue, the sun was blazing and the white churning sea dazzled.  I could have sat there and watched them for hours.

The intense feeling of reconnection and the amazing discovery that I love spending time with my parents as an adult child and a friend.

The warmth of a cat's body curled up and nestled into yours when you are sick or sleeping, cold or lonely.

The thrill of a storm lurking on the horizon and the shades of gray and green that pass over the sky as the wind picks up and the rain starts to pour and the lightening streaks against the sky

You just have to look. 

You only have to pay attention.

There are so many things to wonder at in this world.

Anne (with an 'e') #reverb10

One of my favorite television series/movies of all time is Anne of Green Gables.  I must admit, rather sheepishly, that I have NOT read the books.  I need to.  I know I do.  They will be my first purchase when I get an e-reader. I promise. (I actually began typing this post before Christmas... got busy and never finished it.  I am pleased to report that not only do I now have a kindle... but I also was able to get the Anne of Green Gables books for free!!!!  I'm 73% of the way through the first book!)

A scene that always captures my attention is when Anne stands before Marilla Cuthburt for the first time and introduces herself. 

"Would you please call me Cordelia?"

"Call you Cordelia? Is that your name?"

"No, but please call me that. Cordelia is such a romantic name."

December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)

I am absolutely stumped for a response.

I have never thought about what my name would be if it was not Katie. 

I have always been a Katie.  It was the name given to me at my birth. I will always be a Katie. 

Not a Katherine, not a Kathleen, not a Katarina...

I am Katie.

Well, that's not entirely true.  In the first grade, we had three "Katie"s in my class.  And so we became Katie M., Katie W., and Katie Z. 

Since then I have always been Katie Z. No one could pronounce my last name anyway, so Katie Z. stuck. 

Even in marriage, I couldn't let go of the Z. For so long in my life it has been who I am. It is a part of me, too.  I couldn't decide if I should do two last names, or change my middle name, but I liked my family middle name of "Marie" - so now I have two middle names - and since I never signed with my middle name anways, I sign all of my checks "Katie Z. Dawson"

I am Katie Z.

And now that I am in the ministry, I have to say that my name has evolved again. 

Pastor Katie is what everyone calls me.  It is how I answer the phone when a call comes in to the office.  Sometimes I even catch myself answering my cell phone that way - even if it is a friend or a family member calling. 

So Pastor Katie is who I am now also.

I really cannot imagine myself with another name.  One thing that I have thought of is whether "Katie" is a little juvenille sounding... it has that "ee" sound at the end, like "billy" or "susie" might.  So, without having much scope for the imagination myself (sorry Anne, that's why I have to read your books, instead of just imagining things up myself), I think that the first "new name" I would like to try would simply be "Kate."   So boring.

So then I googled "top 100 names"  - I'm not having a really creative sort of day today, am I?!  And I found this "renamer" based on characteristics about yourself.  I hated every single name that came up on the first round.  Every single one.  I got only slightly better luck on the second round... but then saw one of my names was "Bernice" and that is what we named my best friend's extensions last night.  Doh.

I give up.  What do you think is a better name for me?

Dead or Alive... #reverb10

In March of this year, my mom's whole family traveled to Hawaii together.  It's not the first time we have made the trip and it certainly won't be the last.  It is sort of an extended family reunion that happens every few years - all beginning when I was only five years old!

Our time is spent mainly on the island of Oahu and we have seen quite a bit of that area!   Two years ago, however, we learned about a hike we had never attempted before: a trail up the back side of Koko Head Crater.

My brothers and my husband and I were determined that this spring, we were going to do that hike.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Now, for a little background information.  We had been told that this particular hike was a bit more difficult than some of the other ones we had accomplished - like Diamond Head Crater.  But we weren't quite aware of how much more difficult it actually would be!

Our first problem was that we got on the wrong bus.  We could see the crater rising up in the distance ahead of us and knew where we were trying to get (kind of), and thought we knew how to get there.  The only problem was, the bus we hopped on didn't go the direction we thought it was supposed to on that particular day.  So we got off at what looked like a close location and decided to hoof it the rest of the way to the park outside the crater. 

We dressed appropriately for climbing... tanks and shorts, carrying the only id's and money we needed in our little camera pouch.  My brother had enough foresight to purchase a huge bottle of water.  Our tennis shoes were broken in.  We were ready.

And so we walked.  And walked.  And walked.  I think we must have covered a good mile and a half before we eventually found our way through the residential neighborhood to the small little park at the base of the crater.  And then we had to walk some more to get to the trail.  And then, we stopped to look up.

Looming before us was the straightest, steepest path I had ever seen in my life.  But it had stairs... how hard could it be?

I think I made it to the first light pole of the 15 that were on the side of the mountain and I wanted to die.  My thighs ached.  I was breathing hard.  My face was flush.  Seriously, was I really that out of shape? 

I made it two more and thought I might actually die. 

I made it to the halfway point and gave up.  For about a minute.  And then my husband and my brother made me go ahead of them so that they could keep pushing me on and let me set the pace. 

We stopped and rested.  We breathed in deep.  We let the hot sun bake our skin.  And we took in the amazing views.

We went a little farther.  And then I was certain that death was imminent.  There was absolutely no way that I would make it.  At step 900 I knew I was toast.

In this time, of course, locals who used this path often went up the trail and back down again.  Young people were running it.  This one group of teenagers came jogging down, one of them riding on another's back.  Kids were having an easier go of it than I was.

I think the moment of frustration came when we met this 60+ year old guy who did the trail three times a week.  There he went trotting his way up the crater... and there he came back down again. 

I had to keep going.  My sides were aching, my lungs were heaving, but I was going to do it. 

And then that moment came when I placed one foot on top of the other and actually made it to the top of the crater. 

The view was phenomenal.  We could see ocean all around us - Waikiki far off in the distance - the island of Molakai barely on the horizon.  The sky was overcast, yet sunlight poured down upon us.  The ocean was deep blue and turqouise and capped with these ripples of waves as far as the eye could see.

The air was salty and clean... although that salt smell may have been my sweaty armpits.  My face was flush with exhaustion and I'm sure that I was bright red, but there at the top the sun didn't beat down so hard and the breeze cooled our spirits. 

Looking down into the lush crater below were the rich greens of a rainforest and botanical garden - such a stark contrast to the brown, dusty and scraggly trail we had just followed.  The waters of Hanauma Bay glistened like diamonds in front of us and just beyond it, we could make out the puffs of air as a group of whales swam by. 

The entire world was so small and seemed a lifetime away.  It was hard to put into words just how far we had come... how my life had been transformed in moments from near death (at least in my imagination) to this glorious experience of the fullness of life.

I didn't dare sit down, because I might never have been able to get up again.  But I drank in some of that hot and nearly empty water bottle and I stood there taking it all in.  I felt like I could accomplish anything... anything except maybe making it back down that trail. 

Don't Try... DO! #reverb10

For me, the word try has some negative connotations.  As in - if you are trying to do something, you aren't really, actually, doing it. 
Kaileen Elise challegned us today:

December 18 – Try What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

My mind is a wash of a lot of things that I want to do, see, learn in the next year. I want to learn how to play the guitar.  I want to lose 15 lbs and tone up some muscles and maintain that physique. I want to take writing more seriously.  Professionally speaking, I want to empower my laity so that I don't have to write the agendas for all of our meetings. I want a deeper relationship with God through prayer and stillness. I want to spend more time with my family

But as I think about all of those things, nothing strikes me as something to try at... either I'm going to do them, or I'm not.

So trying... what would I want to try?  What would I want to explore?  What do I want to collisally fail at? What do I want to take a chance on and see if maybe, possibly, I like it?  What kind of one-shot experience do I want for 2011?  

I have to admit, I wasn't feeling very creative when I started thinking about this.  In fact, I avoided the prompt all day long hoping for some inspiration.   Finally, I got desperate. I googled... don't laugh... "things to try." 

And I found a bunch of really interesting stuff!!!

First up, 10 frugal things to try before you die.    I have to admit - I've done a number of these things already.  Goodwill and Stuff,Etc. are staples for bargain hunting clothes.  I've also been dumpster diving before.  And I regularly try to salvage the fruits and veggies in my fridge that are going a little south.... maybe that's not the same thing as "slumming" it... but it's close!  I can sew, knit, and crochet.  So I'm doing pretty good on this list.  Although, the drip tray pint might be an adventure that I can add to my list?  

Next, Things to try at Wal-Mart when you are bored. Self-explanatory.  But nothing that I really want to do... maybe if I were ten years younger.

There are a ton of bucket-lists out there, including this one, and this one, and oh yeah, this one.

Some highlights on those - things that actually might be possible for me in the next year:

• have your portrait painted... I've never done this - not even those cartoon drawings at Adventureland.
• run a marathon... How about run a 5k -that's definately something to add to my list.
• make love on the kitchen floor... yep.
• make a hole in one... I don't golf (oh, that's another one to add to the list) - but I do disc golf and making an ace would be amazing... it's definately something to try and shoot for!
• play a round of golf... see above.
• be someone's mentor... being a young person, that hasn't really been an opportunity for me yet - except there is this thing called reverse mentoring and a colleage and I are going to do it this next year
• visit New York City... definately on my list.  In fact, I would like to take a trip to the northeast in general this next year.
• go skiing... I have never been snow skiing in my life. That's a great thing I could try next year.
• fly first class... this would definately be fun. something to experience, something I can probably afford to do only once =)
• wear more dresses... I love dresses, but finding good ones that are staples for a wardrobe is hard - this might be a fun thing to try!
• cook with herbs from my own garden... I have yet to grow herbs and this would be an awesome thing to try for next year!
• try to cook a national food... this one inspired me to think about getting the kolach recipe from my recipe box and actually attempting to bake them myself.

Hmm... that's a pretty good list of things to try!  Possible things.  Fun things.  Some of them easy to accomplish. Some of them that might take some planning. 

Is there anything like that from 2010? 

Probably hiking up Koko Head Crater.  It was something I always wanted to do and I finally did it, barely.  That's something I've talked about in a few of these other reverb10 posts. 

I sang a solo in church, twice this year, which was quite an accomplishment for me.  It was a little scary, but I actually did it! The first time was for a Good Friday Tenebrae service, and the second time I busted out a song as a part of my sermon - a capella!!!

Another big accomplishment for me this year is that I decided to try and make a full scale blanket by crocheting/knitting.  It was a huge success and I'm now working on number three!!! A big step up from the scarves - which were my only prior attempts.

Jumping Through Hoops #reverb10

I came late to this Reverb10 party, so I have been trying to do some catch-up on the prompts.  And I found myself absolutely stuck.  frozen. unable to think or move or do. I was floored by my inability to respond to some of these prompts.

December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

The best thing I learned this year has taken me a long time to learn... all the way until this morning in fact. I was sitting here thinking about why this reflection stuff has been so incredibly difficult and I realize it is because I have not really been paying attention to my own life. I learned this morning that I have spent an entire year jumping through hoops.

That doesn't mean that there weren't incredibly high and incredibly low moments along the way.  It doesn't mean that I haven't been engaged in a number of important things.  But on a day to day basis, I have let my life go on without giving it much thought.  I haven't taken the time to figure out what is important and so there wasn't always time for family or friends.  I spent many days drifting along doing what I needed to do, instead of taking a hold of my life and really living it.

I did all the things I was supposed to.  I did what was asked of me. I did a few things that I wanted to. In fact, I was juggling an awful lot of hoops at various times this year.  I was often rushing from this to that with barely time to breath in between... so when I finally did stop, I crashed. In the midst of it all, I took a few chances - and those small moments glimmer in the sea of fuzzy gray that was my life this year. 

How did I let this whole year slip away without learning how to play guitar?  without painting the walls in my house? without having the long and hard conversation about children with my husband? without finally taking my health seriously and losing some weight?  without reading those ten books on the shelf?

I took my life this year day by day.  I did what I had to do for the day and put those other things off to another time.  And that time never came.  I jumped through the hoop and then I turned right back around and jumped through the hoop again. Over and over and over without getting anywhere.

So next year, in 2011, no more hoop jumping.  I am taking charge of my life.  I'm not going to be afraid.  I'm not going to put something off until tomorrow.  I'm going to figure out the few things that are really important and make room for them.  I'm going to take that hoop and thrown it far ahead - challenge myself, set goals - real goals, and accomplish them.

I'm not going to let another year of my life slip through my fingers.

Long-Distance Friendships #reverb10

Being a pastor in a small town makes it really hard to build and maintain friendships.

Well, maybe that should be rephrased... makes it really hard to build and maintain the kind of friendships where you get to actually spend face to face time with one another.

In college, I lived in a small intentional community of folks with shared perspectives.  We had a ton of fun - but we also studied together, we ate together, we did stuff in the community with one another.

In seminary, I had an amazing group of friends, both men and woman again, who I was surrounded by daily.  There were the folks I had coffee with at Brueggers, the women I had drinks and pizza with on Tuesdays, my ministry intern colleages, my roommates, Glenn and Maggie... life was full of people my own age who were all doing the same kinds of things together.

I move to this little town back in Iowa, and suddenly I feel like my husband and I are the only single people under thirty.  I know that's not absolutely true - but I just don't see other folks.  We don't have children, so I don't meet them through school events, and we don't have the same interests as parents do. As a pastor, I don't feel comfortable going and hanging out at the bars - and to be honest, that really isn't our style anyways. It isn't totally appropriate to be friends and hang out with parishoners, and those are the only other folks I really get to meet. 

That's not to say that we don't have other friendships.  We have a group of guy friends (and Pam) who we hang out with pretty regularly.  But the closest one of them lives 45 minutes away.  Those college friends are clustered in Des Moines - an hour and a half away - and then far flung across the nation.  My high school friends - who I keep in pretty regular contact with - are all across the country as well...

December 16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

I was honored to officiate the wedding of two of those college friends this summer.  And then I attended a conference in Des Moines in the fall and made a point to hang out with that same group of people.  We got together for dinner.  We hung out in the evenings. We laughed until our sides hurt. We told stories and caught up.

Being around those friends... watching them interact and seeing how their relationships have developed through this close knit interaction... was awesome.  Every week they were together - often more frequently than that.  They watched television together.  They ate together.  Their lives were intertwined. 

When your nearest friend lives 45 minutes away... (yeah, Tree - I know you live closer on the weekends, but you have your own relationship to tend to!!) it is difficult to intertwine your life with someone.  You can't just show up on their doorstep.  It takes gas money and energy and an extra hour and a half of driving just to hang out.  You can't walk home from Margarita Mondays when you have traveled that far ;)

I think watching them all interact and also being so welcomed back into that community, was a revelation for me.  The switch from this life full of young people to this little town in Iowa was sudden... but I didn't notice the changes because I was so busy adapting to a new vocation and making a home here.  Being around all of them was like a burst of fresh air.  We were adults, full of life, enjoying the company of good friends and the simple things in life (Captain Crunch Sushi, anyone?) I need those friends in my life again.

A Writer? #reverb10

I'm not sure that I really consider myself a writer.
 
Or at least, I haven't considered it before.
 
When I make a list of hobbies and things I like to do, writing never makes an appearance.
 
When I talk about the things that I am good at, I have never thought to include writing.
 
But, dammit, I am a good writer!  (or should that be "I write well" - ugh - I have never claimed to be an expert grammatically, and probably never will)
 

Over the last three years as a pastor, I have probably written more pages worth of thoughts than I did my entire college career.  I wrote a lot in seminary - so I probably haven't overcome that work yet... but I'm getting there!

 

It is a completely different sort of writing, however.  I'm writing not for a teacher and not an academic paper, but I am writing for an audience.  I am writing things that are meant to be read. I am writing things that I read/preach out loud - writing that becomes spoken and heard by many. I write for everyday folks. I write to make connections with other people and to bring things to life. And besides the sermon writing I do - and many times I would include sermons, also - I write because it brings me enjoyment.

 

And I love doing it.  I love bringing together different sorts of situations and concepts and making connections.  I love telling some one's story - whether it is someone in scripture or a stranger who has passed away.  I love to write!  I AM A WRITER!!!

 

So when I think about the prompt for December 2:

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?(Author: Leo Babauta)

I think first and foremost that I do (did) not believe I am a writer.

And if I don't think of myself as a writer on a daily basis, then I do not practice my craft.  I don't work on it.  I don't give myself time to write.  I see it as something in the background, rather than a central part of who I am. 

I have tried at various times to be a musician and a chef and an artist and to play guitar and to sing and what not... some of those things I can do - and am getting better at doing the more I do it.  But I think if I look at all of those things, nothing really gives me the kind of satisfaction that I receive when I sit down and let my thoughts pour out.  None of them have allowed me to connect with other people the way that my writing does.

What I appreciate the most about this whole reverb10 enterprise is the fact that I am discovering so much about myself.  I'm letting go of doubts and self-denial and I'm just taking the risk.  I'm putting it out there.  And it feels so freakin' good to say it! 

I am a writer! And I can't wait to see where this realization takes me.

one word: lonely #reverb10

The only way for your life to be different is if you take a good hard look at it and figure out what exactly needs to change.  And my life needs a good hard look right now.

In some ways, I am feeling a little snarky as I write this.  I am kind of in an off mood.  So this might not be the chipper Katie that you sometimes hear from.

Charged with this task:

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

I have to admit that this has been a really strange year.  If I look back on it all and try to capture it in one word - that word would have to be lonely.

I pick that word, because it captures both the way I have felt and the way I didn't feel. 

In the midst of community and people, in the midst of a marriage and a family, in the midst of lots of people and relationships - there have been so many days where I have felt incredibly alone.

Alone because who I am makes me different from other people.  As a pastor, I am apart from my congregation.  As a woman, I am apart from my male colleauges in ministry.  As a young person, I am apart in the midst of gatherings of older folks at meetings.  As a person of faith, I am apart when we gather with friends who are not. As someone who is not a mother among family members who have kids and grandkids. And sometimes as the conversation gets rolling, I feel very lonely... even in the midst of community.  I long for people like me to talk with.  I realize just how alone I am.

At the same time, I have tried in many ways to combat that loneliness.  Our young clergy lunches have been a beacon of community and fellowship.  My online connections through facebook and twitter and my writing have provided an outlet and a place to find familiar voices. I am learning to find those common places with older folks and men and parishoners and friends that I can hold on to when I start to feel lonely again.

I also have learned in some ways to be okay with the loneliness.  Running was an outlet for a while - although the weather is colder and I got lazy and that stopped.  Crocheting has become a powerful way to be with myself... something to keep my hands and therefore my mind busy.

I have all of this talk about being lonely and I wonder if anyone out there reading would think that I am single.  I am not.  I'm married to a wonderful guy - but even in marriage there is loneliness.  That is not something I expected.  I didn't expect the days when our schedules didn't match up and the house was empty.  I didn't expect the days when we were both so busy doing our own thing that we barely talked.  We each have our own little corners of the house:  his office and for me, well I move around between my office and the couch and whatever other warm little nook seems appealing that day.  I didn't expect that our working lives would be so compartmentalized from one another.  And I didn't expect that we would have no children.

That last one is probably my number one source of loneliness.  Just the two of us doesn't quite seem to be enough for me.  I want little laughter rippling through the house.  I want teasing and tickling and the grumbles of a child who doesn't want to eat their peas.  I want family gathered around our dining room table.  I want stuffed animals lying around that children forgot to put away.  I want to be woken up in the morning by kisses and tears.  I want to tuck someone into bed at night.

This year I realized that our cats - as much as I love and adore them - cannot replace children in my life.  And while Tiki and Turbo provide immense happiness and companionship, they are not mine in the same way.

Not having a family makes me very lonely.

All of that being said - what word would I want to represent the next year of my life? 

I cannot make children come into my life.  It may not be a reality for next year.  But I do want family to take absolute priority.  I want to find new ways to be family with congregation members.  I want to take my own family more seriously and less for granted.  I want to talk with my brothers and sisters more often.  I want to spend more afternoons with my mom and dad and in-laws.  I want to go on more dates with my husband. I want those relationships to be more important than anything else.  I want next year to be about family.

Both/And #reverb10

Being a fan of postmodern/emergent sorts of thoughts, I dig the "both/and."  Down with dichotomies. Yay for integration.

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

What an amazing question! 

Looking back on the journey of this year, there are two moments that really stand out as moments when I moved past the artificial distinction between my spirit and body and really claimed the fullness of who God created me to be.

The first would be my ordination.  So much of that day was surreal.  It was so large and expansive and crowded and yet intimate and personal.  My biological family and my church family came together to celebrate the day with me.  And kneeling up there with my mentors pressed in close around me, with three bishops' hands grabbing a hold of me, I felt bodily the spirit that is within me.  "Take authority!" came the voice and the spiritual calling and the physical person became one.  The feel of the linen cassocks, the brilliant reds of the stoles, the warmth of the hands, the weight, the smell of bodies and perfumes, the light, the word being proclaimed, the touch of the bible under my fingers... each of those experiences of my senses was intensely spiritual and holy.

The second moment is a bit more casual.  At a training session for the church, five folks gathered together at lunch.  We were lamenting the fact that we had rushed through the process and felt like we were fumbling.  We had come up with a theme - a launching point - a framework - for this process we were leading the congregation through and it had flopped.  It was forced.  It didn't work.  And we let go of it.

We sat there at lunch, near the warmth of the fire blazing at Pictured Rocks Camp, and we let the Spirit take over.  As we waited and listened and ate - we realized that eating is a spiritual discipline for our congregation.  Food is holy.  It brings us together.  The physical and the spiritual are one.  And when we got our own perspectives out of the way and made room for God it was amazing.  We transformed our entire process during that half an hour.  

Taking out the Trash...#reverb10

I have not really followed the prompts for Reverb before - but from what I have caught wind of, they are daily prompts that help us to "reflect on this year and manifest what's next." 

I could seriously use some regularly scheduled reflection in my life, so even though I am late to the party, I'm joining in. 

Today's prompt:

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

It's a good question.  It actually takes me back to the lectionary gospel passage from last Sunday and the announcement of John the Baptist.

"I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama—compared to him I'm a mere stagehand—will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house—make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned." (The Message)

Everything false, Christ will put out with the trash.  He's making a clean sweep. Watch out clutter and mistakes and useless things.  Your time is up.

What is it in my life that needs to be cleaned out?  What can I metaphorically put out with the trash or send to the curb with the recycling?

1) Whining:  I am a whiner.  Not to most people... mostly just to my husband.  I whine about things when they aren't going my way.  I'm going to stop.  I'm going to start appreciating what I have and not complain so much when things are tough. Lots of prayers for the fruits of the spirit to sprout in my life... a little patience, gentleness, kindness, joy, and self-control would help. Get to work Holy Spirit!

2) Grocery Shopping Hungry: I make poor food choices when I go grocery shopping when I am hungry.  I am going to work on creating a list of meals for the week and buying the appropriate food items. No more wasting money on the celery that we won't really eat and will just go bad in the fridge.

3) The Weekly Planner on my fridge:  We don't use it.  It takes up the whole freaking fridge. Why have something that isn't helping?  That's just mocking me for not doing the work to plan. 

4) Baby pressure:  I just want the baby pressure to go away.  I want the questions about when and if and how soon to stop. I want my own internal biological clock to quit ticking for a bit.  I'm not sure how to get rid of it... but my life could be a bit more focused if it wasn't around. Maybe if I simply learn to delight in other's children and pregnancies and stop worrying so much about my own.

5) Meetings for the sake of meetings:  As the pastor, I'm going to refuse to attend a meeting that has no purpose.  I'm going to refuse to host a meeting that has no purpose.  If we don't have things to talk about, we aren't going to meet.  But I'm also going to work on empowering my leadership to take control of these meetings and to bring things to share...

6) Lying: I think my number one biggest temptation for sin is fibbing.  Telling a little half-truth so that I don't hurt someone or so that I can get away with something.  We all have our weaknesses and this is mine.  My life doesn't need it anymore.  It makes everything so much harder in the long run and it hurts people.  And it feels crappy.  No more lying in 2011... okay?

7) Days spent watching food network or any other channel for that matter: On my days off, I tend to plop down and watch silly television.  I'm not really going to cook most of that food.  There is awesome music in the world to listen to.  I could use the time to knit/crochet, write, read (which I definitely need to do more of), instead of filling my head with food and silly stories.

8) Weeks spent without talking with family:  My immediate family has not made the time to spend together this past year.  We all have our excuses and it's not that we are having any problems or anything else.  We are just busy folks.  And I miss them.  So I'm going to make it a point to make sure I talk with each of them once a week.

9) Hesitation: I am a waffler.  I hesitate sometimes because I take the time to think about all of the angles and possibilities and how everyone will feel about a decision.  But most of the time, I hesitate because I doubt myself.  I'm going to stop hesitating and just trust myself more next year.

10) Free food: I love the fact that my parishioners love me.  I love all of the wonderful gifts they give me.  But there are many things I take home that I honestly will not eat.  Or shouldn't eat.  And there is so much food brought to the church that goes straight to my hips.  So I am going to feel free to turn down food next year.  I'm going to make healthier decisions.  If we aren't going to eat it, I'm going to make sure someone else gets it.  I'll use it as an opportunity to visit a shut-in and share the bounty.  But just because it's offered, doesn't mean it has to come to my house.

11) Days without prayer and stillness: I let too many days start without stopping to rest in God.  In 2011 - my days will all begin in prayer and stillness.