December 17, 2010

Jumping Through Hoops #reverb10

I came late to this Reverb10 party, so I have been trying to do some catch-up on the prompts.  And I found myself absolutely stuck.  frozen. unable to think or move or do. I was floored by my inability to respond to some of these prompts.
December 17 – Lesson Learned What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

The best thing I learned this year has taken me a long time to learn... all the way until this morning in fact. I was sitting here thinking about why this reflection stuff has been so incredibly difficult and I realize it is because I have not really been paying attention to my own life. I learned this morning that I have spent an entire year jumping through hoops.

That doesn't mean that there weren't incredibly high and incredibly low moments along the way.  It doesn't mean that I haven't been engaged in a number of important things.  But on a day to day basis, I have let my life go on without giving it much thought.  I haven't taken the time to figure out what is important and so there wasn't always time for family or friends.  I spent many days drifting along doing what I needed to do, instead of taking a hold of my life and really living it.

I did all the things I was supposed to.  I did what was asked of me. I did a few things that I wanted to. In fact, I was juggling an awful lot of hoops at various times this year.  I was often rushing from this to that with barely time to breath in between... so when I finally did stop, I crashed. In the midst of it all, I took a few chances - and those small moments glimmer in the sea of fuzzy gray that was my life this year. 

How did I let this whole year slip away without learning how to play guitar?  without painting the walls in my house? without having the long and hard conversation about children with my husband? without finally taking my health seriously and losing some weight?  without reading those ten books on the shelf?

I took my life this year day by day.  I did what I had to do for the day and put those other things off to another time.  And that time never came.  I jumped through the hoop and then I turned right back around and jumped through the hoop again. Over and over and over without getting anywhere.

So next year, in 2011, no more hoop jumping.  I am taking charge of my life.  I'm not going to be afraid.  I'm not going to put something off until tomorrow.  I'm going to figure out the few things that are really important and make room for them.  I'm going to take that hoop and thrown it far ahead - challenge myself, set goals - real goals, and accomplish them.

I'm not going to let another year of my life slip through my fingers.

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