dear diary...

I was never really someone who kept a diary growing up. I think I had about five different books with an entry that launched into a diatribe about how I was going to start journaling, and then an entry later the pages turn empty.

I was never really someone who really told other people my secrets either. Not that I had a lot of secrets - but I moved around from group of friend to group of friend for a while growing up. I didn't live in a neighborhood where there were other kids around that I hung out with. So as my teachers changed, so did my friends.

Until middle school. And then six beautiful girls bonded in a strange and wonderful way. There were others who came in and out of our circle, but somehow it was always the six of us when it really came down to things. It is still the six of us.

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And then there was my husband... well, for a long time boyfriend, then fiance then husband. I think more than anyone else in the entire world, he has been the person who truly knows me inside and out, for better or for worse.

I hope that we all have these small enclaves of people to turn to - whether your spouse, or your best friend(s), or even a diary to pour yourself out to. For many people prayer also fills this role in their lives because they have a deep and vunerable and authentic prayer life.

But lately, with some things, that isn't always enough. I am yearning to shout from the rooftops this "thing" that I'm struggling with. I want the whole world to know and I want them to care and I want them to help me figure it out. I want to be able to actually and authentically talk with the people who are in the midst of this situation with me and I want them to actually and authentically talk back.

I'm working up the courage to actually blog about it.  To put my own thoughts out there for the world to see.  In small groups of friends, I have talked about it, but I think there is something cathartic about writing that I just have not done yet.  It is too personal, too frustrating, with too many unresolved threads.  But maybe I just need to do it and see what happens.