walking by radnor lake

I tend to not be very observant. I'm just not detail oriented and so I miss the little things (like when brandon shaves and it takes me a few hours to realize it, or potholes in the road). I guess you could say that I'm so obsessed with the forest that I miss the trees (and the underbrush and the bugs and the animals)

Lately, people around me have been sharing how much they experience God out in nature, and while that is sort of true for me, I don't have monumental experiences in the wood or by a lake or whatever. I experience God much more through other people.

I was floored yesterday when I went for a hike with my friend, Nate. At first, it felt like any nature hike I normally embark upon - my eyes staring at the ground, watching for rocks or roots, glancing up whenever I hear a strange sound.

The path that we were on was incredibly soft and well marked, and gradually I got my confidence up and began to just look all around me. I saw nate touching the trees as he passed and thought to myself- wow - why don't I do that? why don't I get so close I can feel the life all around me. I began appreciating the fact that my chacos allowed me to feel the soft dirt and bark between my toes. I began touching leaves.

It soon began to rain. But under that cover of all those trees, it was just amazing. we were slightly wet to be sure - the air probably couldn't have held any more humidity - but we really weren't being rained on. And the drumming of thousands of raindrops above us was beautiful.

And then we began to see the deer. Now, I live in a wooded area in Iowa - and so I know all about deer. But I have never seen deer as tame as this or as close as this. We walked for an hour and a half and saw almost 10 adult deer, and at least 6 fawns. And they would be right by the path! we were probably less than 10 feet from some of the fawns who were eating the tender green foliage right by the side of the path.

At one point, we saw a doe and two fawns on the hillside right beside the path and they were gradually coming down the hill, so we stopped. Those two fawns just kept coming slowly, moving their way down towards us (and also probably heading for the lake on the other side of the path). The doe disappeared from sight, and while the fawns kept looking around, they also kept coming. They made an arc to keep their distance but eventually were standing right in front of us on the path. We were crouched on the path, when one of the fawns begins to slowly, cautiously walk towards us. And it only got so close before it began to get a little jittery and turned back. But then the other one had to do the same, and go a bit farther to show its sibling up. I cannot believe how close, how brave, how daring that little fawn was. And all at once it was startled by something and took off sprinting in the other direction.

Walking in the park, with someone who has a deep spiritual affinity with nature, really opened my eyes to everything that was around me. The world was alive all around me and it was okay to walk slowly, stop if necessary, to take it all in. I think that I still, for whatever reason, have more sense of connection with the dirt than with the trees looming above me. I feel like I can get down into the dirt and plant something and watch it grow, rather than touch or look up and see a being that has been there for a hundred years. Maybe that says something about my calling or my experience of nature to this point as a farmer's daughter. But I didn't know that the way I know it know. The ground. The roots. They beg for my attention. But i also got to appreciate on this walk the things that they nourish, sustain and support. that that was a beautiful thing.

the e-word #1

I'm going to post here as well an article series that I am doing for the church on evangelism - the "e-word"


This summer, my ministry here at West End is shifting, as I focus less on our young adults and college students and more on that unfortunate ministry of evangelism. I say unfortunate, because I believe today it is one of the most misunderstood, misused, and mistrusted ministry of the church. We, mainline Protestants, have almost altogether sworn off the word and try to find other euphemisms like “faith sharing.”

I, too, have long harbored anxiety about this ministry of evangelism. To be honest it had become a sort of dirty word in my mind. It was something “those” people did. I found my justification for not engaging in the ministry in the letters of Paul; if it was a spiritual gift, it certainly wasn’t one given to me! I was very disappointed to learn that I was required to take a class in evangelism as a part of my requirements for ordination in the United Methodist Church, but resigned myself to bearing through it.

In the course of 12 weeks, I not only learned to trust the “e-word” again, but I have felt called to reclaim it. I have come to understand what evangelism is in the life of the church and what it is not. Throughout this summer and fall, I will be sharing some of these insights, some of the struggles I have, and I will be inviting you to rethink what evangelism means in your own life. In each edition of the West End Report, you will be able to find this column, but also look for a class being offered in the fall on conversion and evangelism.

To give you just a morsel to chew on in the coming weeks, remember that evangelism is rooted in the Greek word euangélion, which simply means – good news. To be an evangelist is simply to share the good news of God with the world. How we do that, and what we claim that good news to be are topics for another day.

why "salvaged" faith?

i've been struggling lately... deeply deeply struggling with how to be faithful to my experience of God and my experience of the church in the vocational path i'm am currently treading.

3 weeks ago, i was commissioned as a probationary elder in the united methodist church. and i love my tradition. and i feel called by God to be a part of the church and to share the sacraments of God's love and grace with the world. but i also feel deep within my soul a calling to locate myself, to plant deep roots within a community and live simply. and i can't for the life of me figure out how to do both of those things. to be an elder in my church is to be itinerant - to move at the decision of the bishop/cabinet and the church.

so, i'm trying to figure out where i stand. i'm trying to pick up the various pieces of my experience of God and my tradition and piece them together in a way that makes sense vocationally. in some ways, i feel as if i am out at sea, abandoned, and need to figure out what to take with me.

but i am also realizing that my vocational struggle has as much to do with insecurity about how my faith and theology will be recieved in the church as anything. can i truly be faithful to who I am within the four walls of a church? I have experienced so far that I can at an extremely unique congregation in nashville - but what if that isn't always the case? how do i work to create communities such as this?

the american heritage dictionary includes these two definitions for the word salvaged:

tr.v. sal·vaged, sal·vag·ing, sal·vag·es
1) To save from loss or destruction.
2) To save (discarded or damaged material) for further use.

I think in some ways I am trying to do both... I am part of a faith journey and experience that includes many people all over the world. in some ways, what I have been experiencing lately is out of tune with what the tradition or the people around me have been doing, trying, teaching, following, etc. I want to salvage the bits of that faith that are important to carry into a postmodern world and church. I want to make sure that the "stuff" of our experience makes it and can still be of use to people in my generation and beyond.

but this is also about keeping myself from losing something vital to my soul - to share my story in a way that is authentic and real and to get it out there before it slips away. by sharing it, i hope to find people who want to walk this path as well... companions on the journey (which is kind of hokey)... who can help me remember that yes, i am walking in the right direction. this blog is about being real about who I am... the I that i am only recently discovering and remembering and living into.

thomas merton has a quote that reads:

in order to become myself, i must cease to be what i always thought i wanted to be.

for me, this means i have to stop listening to the expectations and voices of the world around me and look really really deep within and find and accept the me that is there. i need to stop trying to be someone i'm not. that's true relationally, theologically, you name it. so - that's what i'm doing...